Tuesday, February 09, 2010

Family Systems Theory in Action: who is my father and who am i?

Identity is a funny thing. many people get it from their parents. i have just had the honor of knowing my mom. my dad, Loren, remains a mystery as we left him when i was 3. last time i saw him i was six... i don't have too many memories of him. i gained some insights about him from meeting my half-brother Key back in 2005. Key took a job as a truck driver and contact with him has been spotty. Well, he recently got laid off and re-connected with my sister Val. this spawned a new round of revelations and such about Loren. my sister has been doing some sleuthing on the internet and found this post by someone who lives close to Loren:
LOREN LINDON-Freind of the family(50 Blackfoot Indian)To be open minded and non judgmental. Treat everyone with fairness. Taught me that there is no difference between race, religion, color, or creed. Whether we are black,white, yellow, green or purple we all have the same souls. Although we may be different on the outside we all bleed the same. To see a person for who they are Not WHAT THEY ARE. Sympathize those who are down and out. (SYMPATHIZE THE FALLEN) Be able to put yourself in that persons shoes. To be proud of your heritage. CHEROKEE AND IRISH MAN
how strange it is that while i have never met the man, we share a similar outlook. my outlook, however; includes a track about parenting the kids you father. i was struck by this reflection on the father i never knew. like he's a member of the Blackfoot nation?! hard to tell. could be. i was raised thinking i was part-Cherokee and then i met my older half-sister Bobbie-Jo who claimed we were Cree. now Key and this guy claims that Loren claims Blackfoot. i'm a little confused here.

for being proud of heritage? i guess so. i never knew my father, i caught my gpa cheating on my gma when i was 15 and they divorced. my family has been fractured twice. my religious views have as well. but instead of becoming a victim; of letting these circumstances become an excuse to act irresponsibly; i have been able to use this weird and unique upbringing to my advantage. my mom was an excellent model for this, being a mechanic in a small rural town. she valued education and liberation in a place that demands conformity and she used both the Bible and science as tools of liberation. her example and this history has been excellent for me in preparing for ministry.

in CPE it helped me hold complex family situations with grace instead of freaking out that this family didn't fit my ideal concept of one. as a minister it has helped me find ways to empower people and to hold their short-comings lightly and not get to hung up on them. personally, it has helped me deal with chaos with a laid back style. i'm a passionate dude but i think i hold that in balance and don't over-react in crisis situations. i used to seek order and deal only in black-and-whites and get really stressed out when things didn't fit my rubric or broke my categories. i was sort of a jerk in high school because of this. but now... not so much. i'm okay existing in the questions, in the mystery, in a place where i'm caught between order and chaos.

my father is an enigma and i'm okay with that. he's a paradox of this high-idealistic prose and the reality of the history of my life. both sinner and saint... and aren't we all?

the best part of all this is how my past and experience of this man has informed how i will parent. i want to be an active and engaged father and i work everyday on it. i want Eve and any siblings that are to follow that they are loved. it's not about me, as it seems to be with Loren, it's about them. like how Drew Brees only had eyes for his son at the end of the Super Bowl. that's the type of dad i want to be.

20 comments:

Tit for Tat said...

You and I are very different, yet we have very, very similar experiences.

"Would the boy in you like the man you have become"

I have a feeling yours would say yes. :)

Sabio Lantz said...

Touching !
Your Dad would be proud.

Val said...

But a dad was never had...
but Mom and me... we are proud! And Kate, the Winthers and Heinbaughs and Shu's and everyone who has ever had a chance to meet you and love you.
Rock out, brother.
V

Anglican Gurl said...

Thank you for this very personal post! How strange it must be to have never met your father and yet have many of the same thoughts (all inclusive, standing with the oppressed, etc.).

Al said...

I wanted to reply to this post, since you are really being transparent and vulnerable here.

It's easy to look at someone else's experience and compare and contrast. I'm sure you could have moped around, crying over not having a dad who was present in your life. You could be using this part of your background as an excuse for any kind of behavior or shortcoming.

Instead, you are endeavoring to be generous and forgiving.

It sounds like your Mom has been a very positive influence in your life, and you have turned out to be a pretty well-adjusted human being. I expect that the 'nurture' aspect of your character development came a lot more from her than from your Dad.

But, it looks like some of the 'nature' aspects might have seeped in from him, since he hasn't had much opportunity for 'nurture'.

I appreciate your generous spirit in talking about this man who really hasn't been much more than a sperm donor in your life.

Sabio Lantz said...

BTW, I found the Drew Brees video nauseating.
Oooops, I went and hit several sacred icons at once:
1) Superbowl star
2) Good looking celebrity
3) Christian Philanthropist

I must be stupid.
But he put forward the prosperity gospel, plain and simple.
Here is what he said:

Everything happens for a reason

Everything works toward the greater good

Everything is a gift from God

I can be one of God's few good men

No matter what comes in your way, you will be able to overcome it

God has it all planned out for ya

If you put your mind to it, you can accomplish anything

If you do things the right way, good things will happen to you.

Actions speak louder than words


Only that last one is true -- and if people like him for his actions, I get that. I have heard lots of successful people go backwards in time and tell how fate brought them there. It is the same thing creationists do by going backward in times, being amazed that everything added up to just now. Bad logic.

Tit for Tat said...

I liked the way Bree's looked at his kid during "his" moment in the sun. That in itself was magical. I could give two shits what his religious beliefs are. Ah, the cynics abound.

Sabio Lantz said...

Ooops, I must confess another great sin in this society. I did not watch the Superbowl -- nor do I follow that stuff at all. So I didn't see the "eyes on his son" thing.

All I saw was this YouTube video plastered all over Christian sites:
Share the Victory interview with Drew Brees.

It is amazing the stuff we are willing to overlook if they hit all our right buttons.

Tit for Tat said...

It is amazing the stuff we are willing to overlook if they hit all our right buttons.(Sabio)


Aint it the "truth", that which we are willing to overlook.

All I saw was this YouTube video plastered all over Christian sites:
Share the Victory interview with Drew Brees.(Sabio)

Hmmm, never figured you for a Troll.

Luke said...

I didn't read Bree's comments as Prosperity Gospel at all, but i see that those videos sure did! like the Colts kicker, i think Brees would have thanked God either way, win or lose. Did you know his mom committed suicide at few years ago? So it's not a case of "Poor Little Rich Boy." if i had to choose between a dad like i (didn't) have or one like Brees, that'd be a no-brainer. BREES!

Luke said...

wait wait.. i didn't see any prosperity gospel in that interview! he's just got a bigger emphasis on the sovereignty of God than I do. i swim in free-will and he's more predestination.

Tit for Tat said...

if i had to choose between a dad like i (didn't) have or one like Brees, that'd be a no-brainer. BREES!(Luke)


In my case it would have been nice just to have a Dad.

sher said...

Sabio- his sd doesn't care. He could have been around had he wanted to.
T For T- "been nice just to have a dad." maybe not so much.
to all- thanks for the nice comments on Luke's mom (me). But, altho I always tried to do the right thing, I often failed miserably. Sometimes that is a lesson too. Also, I have the best 2 kids in the entire universe. I really think they would have been great and well-adjusted no matter what happened. They just look at life that way.
I dunno about Drew Brees religion but anyone who cares for his kid enuff to make him comfortable with a headset has gotta be a great parent!

Tit for Tat said...

Hello Luke's Mom

I guess I should have quantified my statement.

"It would have been nice to have my Dad".

My father died at 37, I was a baby. I did not know him but from what I have heard he was a good man and good father. I mourn that.

Like Luke I have a GREAT Mom.

sher said...

T For T--- I am very sorry for your loss. But it does seem you turned out very well. Maybe some of that was from your Fathers influence and trying to be the son he would have wanted you to be. I'm sure your Mom is a great Mom!
Luke also learned somewhat from his father what kind of Dad he wanted to be.

Yael said...

Sher,
Nice to meet Luke's mom! You raised one really great son. Hope the same will be said of me someday, doubled. I'm a single mom of two teenage sons. My kids have their dad around but he's only a dad when he feels like being one. I don't get it, but it's his loss.

Sabio Lantz said...

I commend all the positive feelings here!
Luke, I posted on my take on that video.

Luke said...

"Like Luke I have a GREAT Mom." -John

no doubt! I feel awful focusing on my absent father when I should be talking about how great my mom was! Despite her claim of failing miserably, we turned out great! I don't think i would have got there on my own, as she claims, as i needed prodding to reach my potential. my mom raised my sister and me to have wings and to use them (to cite the parable of the ducks!)

good stuff y'all! Thanks for being so open to this post. it was hard to write.

sher said...

Lukeson do NOT feel bad! Heck half of it was about me! LOL!
If that post about him was true, I would still be married to him and ALL of his children would have known their loving father. Don't ya think? Altho he might have less offspring. Some people only talk the talk.
Yael--Howdy! I can tell you are a great Mom! I always told my kids they could do ANYTHING they wanted to do. The only thing I wanted for them was to be happy. The rest follows. Luke has been blessed with a very understanding and supportive wife. I see the very best of parents for Eve! Should be an interesting journey!

sher said...

Lukeson do NOT feel bad! Heck half of it was about me! LOL!
If that post about him was true, I would still be married to him and ALL of his children would have known their loving father. Don't ya think? Altho he might have less offspring. Some people only talk the talk.
Yael--Howdy! I can tell you are a great Mom! I always told my kids they could do ANYTHING they wanted to do. The only thing I wanted for them was to be happy. The rest follows. Luke has been blessed with a very understanding and supportive wife. I see the very best of parents for Eve! Should be an interesting journey!