I dunno, but it has something to to with race.

I was walking my Sonny and Eve just the other day and something strange happened. i'm used to it. i get into strange conversations all the time and have random encounters walking around Lancaster. It's really quite fun and interesting! this recent encounter was not fun but it is interesting. first, some set up:

my dog Sonny is a 75lb greyhound who is really friendly. often when we're walking around he does this little side-to-side dance and pulls up his teeth in a "friendly smile." many people are put off by this as Sonny forgets that 2" fangs aren't endearing to humans. he's frightened many people on our walks so i try to avoid this as much as possible on our walks.


which brings me to our story for today: i was walking down the street and saw an African-American woman on her cell-phone sitting on some steps to my right. I notice Sonny start into his little "YAY! PEOPLE!" greeting dance and decide to push him over so he's walking on the curb, well away from the woman who is chatting away, facing the opposite direction. the last thing i wanted was her to turn around into a giant, gapping dawg maw. i mean do you really wanna turn and see THIS?! -->

so i pass the woman and hear her say something, but figure it's to the person who she's on the phone with. I walk a few more steps and she says, "I'm TALKING to you!" I glance back over my shoulder and she's staring right at me. I'm a bit shocked. so i say, "I'm sorry, I thought you were on the phone, you were talking to me?"

she states into her phone, "I'm gonna have to call you back." then to me, "Yeah. I SAID you too good to share the sidewalk with a black person?!"

i'm befuddled. i'm confused. i'm shocked. i don't get it. so i said, "Umm... no. I just didn't want him to startle you, you were on the phone after al..."

She cuts in "WELL YOU THINK ALL BLACK PEOPLE ARE AFRAID OF DOGS?"

"?" my face says as I'm literally too stunned for words.... "I...."

"That is a stereotype you know." she states.

"Well... every black person I know has a dog save for one family, but they just moved in. That doesn't make any sense..." i reply.

"MMMM-HMMM.." She states with a head-wiggle and an angry look on her face.

i pause, she still looks pissed, i feel my flight-response kick in and i say, "well, i'm sorry for the offense. I didn't mean anything. you take care now." and i walk away.

She gets up and walks across the street, dialing on her cell phone.

i have no idea what happened here, but i'm pretty sure it has something to do with race. in hindsight i could have said, "Oh sorry, would you like to pet him?" or just launch into funny things about him and his stats like "he was a racer in Daytona Beach FL, rescued from Greyhound Welfare, he's 8 and really likes people. he also does this funny "roach" thing where i think he's beaming up the mother ship. This is my daughter Eve, she's 13 months, and what's your name?"

i read in YES! magazine how one youth program that focuses on race actually had to teach the youth the stereotypes so that they could then teach them how to overcome them. i thought this was really stupid and backwards, but after this encounter i think they might be right.

how would you responded? what was going on here? any insights? helpful responses?

Eve is One!

happy kid! a real bodhisattva! she is a joyful soul. Happy First Birthday Eve!

Here's the video from her "early birthday" shot at the Flying ~E~



here was your first look this time last year.

How Low is the Bar Set?

hey you hetero-males out there! wanna know what makes the ladies crazy?! men with babies!

i was sitting in Longs Park, just minding my own business, trying to be still and know that God is God. I was just feeding Eve a bottle and reading Kushner's "When Bad Things Happen to Good People" and i was hit on by two different women.

the first woman, around my age, came up to me as her own kids were running around and throwing stuff in the lake and having fun. she stated how beautiful Eve was and we talked about how it is being a parent. as she was leaving she stated how i make beautiful babies. i stated how "i didn't really make her, my wife did, i just contribute a little at the beginning." to which she said "well, i'm sure you make the process as pleasurable as possible." i smiled at this and then she collected her kids and walked off. it only hit me later to which "process" she was talking about. sex? the pregnancy process (i.e. getting Kate ice cream and sunkist?)? the delivery or the parenting part? or the whole thing? was i being hit on?!

i brushed it off and continued with the bottle, Eve happily sucking the bottle down and staring at the willow branches swaying in the breeze. a 60-ish woman and her friend come up. they too fawn over Eve and state how great it is to see a dad out with his daughter. i asked why and they said "i had to about break my husband's arm... unless it was about sports..." as they were leaving, after a short convo, one of the women turned and said "it was great talking to you! take care! and you are just a vision in that hat!" (i was wearing my OU hat).

this of course is just two examples of a slew of things i overhear while spending my day with Eve. while on a walk i heard "I think it's so hot when dads push the stroller." from a group of moms... are dad's really that absent? i know my own was but for different reasons.. like he wasn't around! but are "present" dads this big of lumps?

the whole row here of seminary dads are all active and watching their kids during the day while the moms are out bring'n home the bacon. all i see, everywhere i look, are dads my age taking an active interest in their kids... both of my brother in laws do their own thing as well! they are active. so is this a stereotype left over from the previous generation? or are we the exceptions? or is the expectation bar set extremely low for men? how deep does our gender-ideals go?

Trip to Ohio

this past weekend, Kate and I took Eve for her first trip to the land of our birth. the land of the bobcats, O-H-I-O! It was both great and bizarre to be in the place where i grew up with my kid.

Kate's sisters threw a "welcome Eve" shower/party/shin-dig and a ton of our friends and family showed up, including our DC friends who moved to Cincy, our C-bus crew, and Kate's aunt from San Fran! it was such a great time! the food was great (Sweet Baby Ray's Pulled Pork, YUM!), the weather perfect, and the conversations were great. i can't think of a better way to spend a saturday.

I was asked "So what was the greatest revelation/change since becoming a parent?" this comment really struck me and i had the following things to say:

1. I have a stake in things. I need to recycle more, keep healthy, and work to preserve the world and make it a better place for my kids to grow up.

2. I am no longer just me. and i never was "just" me. we have the idea that we can be individuals without contact with others, but i can't describe myself without talking about a relationship. I am a husband, friend, brother, son, and now FATHER. i used to fear this last title because of how my own father operated. but now i love this title! my identity is no longer just about me, it's about what type of person i am to my child as well as my friends and family. my identity is corporate, it always was, but now this concept is more of a reality.

we all are in community and relation with one another. i think that a balance needs to be struck between total individual (as this can result in an inflated ego, a sense of isolation leading to depression, or a skewed view of reality) and total community (as this can result in anxiety and a general laziness that "someone will take care of it, "I" don't have to do anything cause there is no "I").

3. Different Priorities. I love my single and no-offspring friends, but our concerns aren't the same anymore. that's okay, that diversity is what makes life interesting! but many ideas, concerns, or stances on issues, i just don't have or hold any more.

that's about it. the trip home also caused me to look through some ol' high school poetry and writings. man, what a collection of self-righteous pissings! i was angry! but that's what happens when you're out of place in a community and not using what is in front of you. i was frustrated by the smallness of my hometown, but i now see the beauty and gifts that experience has given me.

it was a busy weekend. it was a reflective weekend. it was a weekend at the first of the month and that means CANTON FIRST FRIDAY!!! My sister-in-law is in charge of this event, which is part block party part gallery hop. it is outstanding. Lancaster has a first friday as well, but it is nothing compared to the shin-dig Canton puts on. There were the Budweiser Clydesdales, musicians left and right, wonderful art and photography, a slew of diverse peoples (GREAT people-watching!), and the Society for Creative Anachronisms beating the crap out of each other with their home-made swords. it was AWESOME! oh! not to mention that every Saturday after 1st friday there is Scared Scriptless which is a "Who's Line is it Any Way?!" style impromptu comedy show. Downtown Canton is the place to be.

so there's my plug, where's my $50 Sarah? ;-)

A good quote and some thoughts on it.

"A man may either move westward through life, following the light, or eastward toward the ever gathering darkness. It is a kind of orientation of temperment that is set in our earliest years; an emotional compass. One either pursues one's dreams or memories and it's an exceptional man who, once his compass is set, can alter it even a point or two."

-Halden: Essays.

i found this quote in a notebook of poetry i wrote in high school. the poems aren't very good, but some quotes in there really ring true... i look upon that time and i was always angry, sad, and morbid. now i'm usually described as an incurable optimist and having a sense of infectious hope.

maybe our compasses aren't set. maybe we not as conditioned as we seem. i mean Doug and myself have altered our compasses more than a point or two... maybe others have as well...

or maybe i was always like this.. i just went through a phase... or my memory is faulty... i dunno...

but memory is nothing more than a receptacle of our past; the future a fabric of dreams. And the much vaunted present, that which we are all to seize with a passion, is but the smallest measure of an instant, the single tick of a clock, a medium for translating the future into the past, dreams into memory.

i'm going to try to stay in the present and live on hope. hope for my future and for Eve's future as well... memories are there, experience has brought me this far and taught me much, but the present is the place to be.

Eve Elizabeth

here's your first look at Eve E.



everyone said that having a baby changes you, changes your world, changes everything! and they're right! i'm more astonished at life and the wonder of it all... it's amazing.

i really can't fathom anyone being an atheist now. like i could sorta see it, but now i think i've been pushed over the edge by the birth of my first child. this kid has aspects of me, aspects of Kate, and some combination of the two... or even stuff that we have no idea where it came from! (and this is only day 5!!)

it's all too perfect of a system, too well designed, thought out, it functions pretty awesomely. and since everyone has been born, you'd think we know everything about it... but we don't. we have the chemicals to induce birth, but have no idea how these things occur naturally. we have no idea why women have Group B streptococcus (GBS), nor why it kills some babies and not others.

just like the world... we can figure out a lot of things in it.. but we can't account for it's existence. we can't account for why things are they way they are, why humans act like they do, why gravity is and how it acts (because it's no where near as uniform as we once thought).

anywho... i love this child. i stare at Eve, i take joy in her even when she's wailing to beat the band. i can't account for how she is or what she will become, but i will take joy and soak up the wonder and awe of it all.. i will be a witness.