Family Systems Theory in Action: who is my father and who am i?

Identity is a funny thing. many people get it from their parents. i have just had the honor of knowing my mom. my dad, Loren, remains a mystery as we left him when i was 3. last time i saw him i was six... i don't have too many memories of him. i gained some insights about him from meeting my half-brother Key back in 2005. Key took a job as a truck driver and contact with him has been spotty. Well, he recently got laid off and re-connected with my sister Val. this spawned a new round of revelations and such about Loren. my sister has been doing some sleuthing on the internet and found this post by someone who lives close to Loren:

LOREN LINDON-Freind of the family(50 Blackfoot Indian)To be open minded and non judgmental. Treat everyone with fairness. Taught me that there is no difference between race, religion, color, or creed. Whether we are black,white, yellow, green or purple we all have the same souls. Although we may be different on the outside we all bleed the same. To see a person for who they are Not WHAT THEY ARE. Sympathize those who are down and out. (SYMPATHIZE THE FALLEN) Be able to put yourself in that persons shoes. To be proud of your heritage. CHEROKEE AND IRISH MAN

how strange it is that while i have never met the man, we share a similar outlook. my outlook, however; includes a track about parenting the kids you father. i was struck by this reflection on the father i never knew. like he's a member of the Blackfoot nation?! hard to tell. could be. i was raised thinking i was part-Cherokee and then i met my older half-sister Bobbie-Jo who claimed we were Cree. now Key and this guy claims that Loren claims Blackfoot. i'm a little confused here.

for being proud of heritage? i guess so. i never knew my father, i caught my gpa cheating on my gma when i was 15 and they divorced. my family has been fractured twice. my religious views have as well. but instead of becoming a victim; of letting these circumstances become an excuse to act irresponsibly; i have been able to use this weird and unique upbringing to my advantage. my mom was an excellent model for this, being a mechanic in a small rural town. she valued education and liberation in a place that demands conformity and she used both the Bible and science as tools of liberation. her example and this history has been excellent for me in preparing for ministry.

in CPE it helped me hold complex family situations with grace instead of freaking out that this family didn't fit my ideal concept of one. as a minister it has helped me find ways to empower people and to hold their short-comings lightly and not get to hung up on them. personally, it has helped me deal with chaos with a laid back style. i'm a passionate dude but i think i hold that in balance and don't over-react in crisis situations. i used to seek order and deal only in black-and-whites and get really stressed out when things didn't fit my rubric or broke my categories. i was sort of a jerk in high school because of this. but now... not so much. i'm okay existing in the questions, in the mystery, in a place where i'm caught between order and chaos.

my father is an enigma and i'm okay with that. he's a paradox of this high-idealistic prose and the reality of the history of my life. both sinner and saint... and aren't we all?

the best part of all this is how my past and experience of this man has informed how i will parent. i want to be an active and engaged father and i work everyday on it. i want Eve and any siblings that are to follow that they are loved. it's not about me, as it seems to be with Loren, it's about them. like how Drew Brees only had eyes for his son at the end of the Super Bowl. that's the type of dad i want to be.

How Low is the Bar Set?

hey you hetero-males out there! wanna know what makes the ladies crazy?! men with babies!

i was sitting in Longs Park, just minding my own business, trying to be still and know that God is God. I was just feeding Eve a bottle and reading Kushner's "When Bad Things Happen to Good People" and i was hit on by two different women.

the first woman, around my age, came up to me as her own kids were running around and throwing stuff in the lake and having fun. she stated how beautiful Eve was and we talked about how it is being a parent. as she was leaving she stated how i make beautiful babies. i stated how "i didn't really make her, my wife did, i just contribute a little at the beginning." to which she said "well, i'm sure you make the process as pleasurable as possible." i smiled at this and then she collected her kids and walked off. it only hit me later to which "process" she was talking about. sex? the pregnancy process (i.e. getting Kate ice cream and sunkist?)? the delivery or the parenting part? or the whole thing? was i being hit on?!

i brushed it off and continued with the bottle, Eve happily sucking the bottle down and staring at the willow branches swaying in the breeze. a 60-ish woman and her friend come up. they too fawn over Eve and state how great it is to see a dad out with his daughter. i asked why and they said "i had to about break my husband's arm... unless it was about sports..." as they were leaving, after a short convo, one of the women turned and said "it was great talking to you! take care! and you are just a vision in that hat!" (i was wearing my OU hat).

this of course is just two examples of a slew of things i overhear while spending my day with Eve. while on a walk i heard "I think it's so hot when dads push the stroller." from a group of moms... are dad's really that absent? i know my own was but for different reasons.. like he wasn't around! but are "present" dads this big of lumps?

the whole row here of seminary dads are all active and watching their kids during the day while the moms are out bring'n home the bacon. all i see, everywhere i look, are dads my age taking an active interest in their kids... both of my brother in laws do their own thing as well! they are active. so is this a stereotype left over from the previous generation? or are we the exceptions? or is the expectation bar set extremely low for men? how deep does our gender-ideals go?